


The Story of Christmas

by lovegood27



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Complete, Gen, Hogwarts, Humor, Marauders, Marauders' Era, One Shot, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 09:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17118638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovegood27/pseuds/lovegood27
Summary: A nativity play put on by the Marauders performed exclusively at Hogwarts.





	The Story of Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> A random Christmas one-shot that popped into my head :)

A long time ago- one thousand nine hundred and seventy-six years ago, to be exact- in a distant land, far away from where we dwell in our Scottish castle, there lived a woman. 

(There’s a cardboard backdrop of a somewhat clumsily painted city. The sky abruptly shifts to an ugly bright purple at some point because the black paint ran out, and the house silhouettes look like there’s just been a hurricane. None of the Marauders are very artistic, to be fair.)

This woman’s name was Mary. She was very beautiful, and loved by all...but she had a big secret she feared someone would find out. 

She was...a virgin. 

_That’s not how it goes, Sirius. It wasn’t a secret, she was engaged to Joseph, and if she hadn’t been a virgin there would’ve been a literal scandal._

_Quiet, Moony, I’m the narrator!_

Yes. So, anyway. Mary was a virgin who was engaged to a sculptor- wait, no, a carpenter, named Joseph. They were madly in love with each other, for they had both known from the moment they first met that they were destined to be together. Forever. And they could not wait to be married. Little did they know, however, what fate had in store for them...

***

_Peter, the props! It’s the angel’s scene now, hurry up!_

_Oh- right, yes, sorry!_

One day, just an ordinary day, Mary was- wha-

_Lily, you’re meant to be on stage right now! Not you, Prongs, we’re not at your bit yet!_

_Prat._

_Lily!_

_Oh God, do I have to?_

_Yes, now come on._

_James really overdid it with the makeup. And I don’t see why I can’t just wear, you know, a normal costume! This is stupid._

_Aw, Lils, you know you want to. And besides, I worked so hard on your makeup it would be a waste not to play your part._

_Fine. But only to get it over and done with!_

So one day, Mary was doing her usual chores, sweeping the floor, dusting her walls and all that tosh...

(Lily sweeps the floor, dressed in all her Christmas tree splendour which Sirius had said would ‘add a touch of festivity’. As if doing this play wasn’t already festive enough. Her look is complete with ridiculously long and itchy eyelashes, a heavy layer of scarlet blush and a glamorous wig of black curls.)

Suddenly, an angel appeared out of nowhere!

(James casts a _lumos_ light to shine behind Remus, who slowly descends while Peter uses _wingardium leviosa_ on him. He’s not dressed as stupidly as Lily; he looks like a typical angel. With the exception of the neon pink angel wings, of course, but they were the cheapest ones at Zonko’s so it can’t be helped. Costume budgeting is always important.)

“Greetings to you, favoured one!” The angel said. “By the Word of God, you will give birth to a child who will save the human race! You will name Him Jesus and He will be God’s Son, and destroyer of Satan!”

Mary looked at the angel, highly confused. “But how will I have a baby when I am a virgin?”

(Lily is really not very good at acting, but James insisted on having her be Mary. Really, if a heavenly angel came to your home one day, wouldn’t your first reaction be to scream or the like? Perhaps she’s just following Sirius’ script.)

“Do not worry,” the angel reassured her, “for the Holy Spirit will come on you and- and make you pregnant so that you will be able to give birth.”

“Right, I will do whatever the Lord asks me to do.”

_Well done, guys! Lily, you realise you were supposed to be kneeling down, right? So it’s all worship-y and all?_

_PADFOOT, YOU’RE MAKING ME WEAR A GODDAMN CHRISTMAS TREE, YOU TELL ME HOW THE HELL I’M SUPPOSED TO KNEEL DOWN!_

***

Now, for some reason, everyone in this distant land had to go to their home town to get their names registered. So-

_But what about the bit with Caesar Augustus?_

_Oh. Well, I cut that out. Can’t be arsed to do it and it’s not even that important._

_Shame. I was looking forward to wearing a toga, and it would’ve been more fun to be an emperor than the angel._

Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem, Joseph’s hometown, to be registered. Mary was now heavily pregnant, so she had to ride on a donkey. 

_Why does_ Peter _have to be Joseph? Why can’t I be Joseph?_

_Prongs, shut up, you’re the closest thing to a real life donkey that we have! Right, transform. Okay, Lily, climb on him now._

_I can’t! It’s this stupid costume. And you made me pad it with pillows as well, I can barely walk!_

_But we had to pad it to make you look pregnant! Quick, just grab on to the antlers or something!_

(Peter very slowly walks across the stage, leading a deer while Lily lies on top of it holding onto its neck for dear life. Pun intended.)

***

After a very long journey, Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem. They looked around the town for a place to stay, but alas! All the inns were _full_! It was a tragic night; the couple wandered everywhere in desperate need of hospitality, only to have everyone slamming the doors in their faces. Mary had began to sob and-

_Too much drama, Sirius!_

_But this is a dramatic part!_

_No!_

Where was I? Oh, yes. See, they really needed to find somewhere to sleep for the night, because Mary was about to give birth to her baby. 

(Peter shoves another pillow into Lily’s costume. Quite unnecessary, as she already looks strikingly similar to an evergreen marshmallow.)

At last, they came upon a tiny rundown inn. Joseph knocked on the entrance door, hoping that maybe this inn would have a guest room available. The innkeeper opened it, looking in a rather bad mood and drunk out of his mind. 

_Uh-_

_Yes, he absolutely was. I mean, who else would have suggested giving birth in a bloody barn?_

_Well, he was-_

_Either he was drunk or he was on crack. Or both._

_Cocaine wasn’t even-_

_The narrator is omniscient, Lily, hush now._

“Excuse me, do you have any spare rooms?” Joseph asked. 

“No, sorry,” the innkeeper replied. 

(Remus is now sporting a dashing Sharpie moustache and a large feathered turban which looks much too big for his head. Sirius is looking disappointed that he’s not going along with his narration and pretending to be drunk.)

“Please, we’re desperate, my wife’s about to give birth and we need somewhere to stay.”

“Well...” the innkeeper hesitated. “I do have an empty stable you could use, since you really need it. Come on, I’ll take you. I won’t charge you anything.”

(The innkeeper leads Lily, still riding on the transformed James, and Peter to the stable. Obviously, they couldn’t make one with actual wood, so a fort of old blankets and pillows was made instead. A rather innovative idea.)

And thus, Mary gave birth to baby Jesus in a rundown stable. 

***

After He was born, his mother wrapped Him up in cloths, and because there was no cradle, funnily enough, she laid Him in a manger. 

_Where’s the baby?_

_Oh, here._

_Jesus, this is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen._

_I’ll remind you that you’re his mother and shouldn’t be using his name in any blasphemous way._

_Couldn’t you guys have used a doll or something?_

_Nah, we couldn’t find any, and they’re just as ugly as garden gnomes anyway._

_I beg to differ._

_It looked a damn sight nicer before Prongs shaved off its beard and splashed bright green eyeshadow all over its face._

_Don’t let him do makeup next time, then._

(The deer tilts its head upwards to poke Lily with its antlers.)

There were some shepherds nearby when baby Jesus was born, looking after their flocks. An angel appeared to them, telling them that a baby had been born who was God’s Son, destined to save mankind. They were at first very scared- can’t blame them- but then decided to go to Bethlehem to see if what the angel had said was true. They arrived at the inn stables to find Mary and Joseph, along with their newborn child, and were very much amazed. They spread the word around town so that soon, everyone knew Jesus, saviour of _the world_ , had been born that night. 

(Some poor first years with tea cloths draped over their heads awkwardly stand by the blanket fort where Lily, James and Peter are, each of them holding an armful of cotton.)

_...Go! Quick! You’re delaying the next scene!_

_Is that it? We don’t even get_ lines _..._

_Or proper costumes..._

_What’s the point in even doing this?_

_If you save your whining for later we’ll get you all Butterbeer later._

_We will? I thought we were just going to-_

_Prongs, shut_ up _!_

***

Now, a bright star appeared over Bethlehem, where Jesus was, and these three wise men followed it. They had heard about Him being the saviour of men, and wanted to visit Him. 

(Three of the first years reappear with plastic jewelled crowns stuffed over their tea towels. They look ridiculous, to say the least, but thankfully, they’ve gotten rid of the cotton.)

When they found the baby Jesus, they each presented him with a fancy gift. One gave him gold, the other gave him frankincense, and the third myrrh. 

(The first years all kneel down, holding out a massive treacle tart, a bottle of perfume and chilli powder respectively. Inaccurate representations, at best, but something minor that can be overlooked.)

_Um...Lily!_

“Oh! Uh- yes, thank you very much for these gifts. We will always treasure these, um, tokens of your generosity.” Mary graciously accepted the presents from the three kings. 

_Wise men._

_Oh, same thing._

(Lily reaches out to take the various objects from the first years, but James, still in deer form, sticks his head out and eats the treacle tart straight from the first year’s hand before she can take it. The first year screams and wipes the saliva on Peter, who also starts shrieking.)

_”James, you_ stupid shit _!”_

_“Ooh, alliterative.”_

_“My treacle tart!”_

(James is choking on the tart and apparently in too much of a panicked state to transform back into his human form.)

_“James, spit it out! Transform back! Oh my God, you idiot!”_

_“C’mon, Prongs, just swallow it.”_

_“Sirius, how the hell is he supposed to swallow a treacle tart the size of a bloody dinner plate?!”_

_“Then why in Merlin’s arsehole did he eat it?!”_

_“James! For heaven’s sake spit it out!”_

_“And Peter, shut up!”_

_“Oh Merlin...do you think I can Vanish the tart?”_

_“Might Vanish his tongue along with it or something- and I thought we don’t do Vanishing til next year?”_

(The first years are standing uselessly to the side gossiping. One of them is wailing about how a student is going to die, but the other two look largely unconcerned about James’ fate. Understandable, as they were most likely forced into taking part in this performance, and have probably been victims of his hexes at some point. The deer, however, is starting to turn a very peculiar shade of maroon, and also appears to have swallowed some of the perfume which spilt from the now smashed ornate bottle.)

(Perhaps it’s time to intervene.)

***

I push open the door of the Transfiguration classroom and stride over to the pile of fallen blankets near the teacher’s desk where everyone is gathered. It is, I must say, a disappointment that not one of them remembered the charm to stop asphyxiation- even Lily, gifted Charms student that she is, failed to recall the spell. I suppose it comes down to panicking due to the pressure. 

I ignore the looks of surprise and guilt I am receiving from everyone and point my wand at James. “ _Anapneo_.” Another wave of my wand and the remains of the tart vanish. 

“No, Mr Potter, sit back down. The perfume you swallowed shouldn’t have any significant effects on you, though I dare say it would serve you right for such foolish behaviour. Transforming right in the middle of a corridor where anyone could see you! You are aware, I’m sure, of the fact that you are an _illegal_ Animagus?”

“Oh, but Professor McGonagall, he was only-“

“Miss Evans, I don’t need to hear your rambling defences for Mr Potter at the moment. Now, Mr Black. Perhaps you’d like to tell me exactly what is happening?”

Not that an explanation is needed, seeing as I’ve been watching them for the better part of an hour.

“Oh, we’re just doing a nativity play, Professor.”

He looks far too confident and sure of the situation, considering I’ve just walked in on him and his friends dressed like a circus and screaming while one of his classmates chokes. I stare down at him for a few seconds, frowning until I see by his expression that he’s realised a possibility of me giving them all detentions. 

“...I see.” 

Sirius looks incredibly tense now- I may be enjoying this a little too much. 

“In lieu of going outside to enjoy the snow?” I ask, still going along with my act. 

“Oh. Well, um...we were going to rehearse it really thoroughly, you know, so we could put it on for the staff.”

“An idea I would not be one to object to...if you can refrain from any further incidents that threaten your classmates’ health.” 

“Oh. Good,” Sirius says, visibly breathing a sigh of relief. “Well in that case, Professor, you’re just in time to watch it, because we were just about to go and get the staff to come here and watch it.”

“I...wha- Pads!” Remus tugs on Sirius’ arm and hisses, “we haven’t even practised the ending a single time!”

“It’s fine, we’ll- we can improvise,” I hear him responding, before he turns back to face me with a charming smile of his plastered on. “Well, if you could just take a seat and wait a few minutes while we get the other staff, Professor.” He runs out of the classroom, his footsteps out in the corridors echoing in the silence he leaves in his wake. 

I hear Lily mutter, “Our play is so shit it’ll be a wonder if any professors turn up at all.”

I hide an amused smile as I sit down on a stray chair, waiting to watch their nativity performance for a second time. Privately, I harbour a feeble hope of them all demonstrating some innate, and previously undiscovered, acting and improvisation skills.

* * *

_I wanted to call it ‘A Marauding Christmas’!_

_Oh Merlin, no, that’s awful! ‘The Story of Christmas’ is much better._

_Or you could have gone with the traditional ‘nativity’._

_Boring. Don’t you think ‘The Story of Christmas’ adds some spice and_ pizazz _to the play? Makes it more exciting, don’t you think?_

_I won’t object, just this once, since you_ did _direct this whole thing._

_Atrociously._

_Oi!_

The Story of Christmas

Directed, scripted and narrated by Sirius Black

Starring

Lily Evans as Mary  
Peter Pettigrew as Joseph  
Remus Lupin as the angel Gabriel and the innkeeper  
James Potter as the donkey

**Author's Note:**

> So I’m not sure if there was too much going on, what with all the different narrators (plus it’s literally just dialogue) and scene changes, but it was a lot of fun to write anyway. Thoughts..?


End file.
